They're Doing Rent at a HIGH SCHOOL?!?

That's right. Rent at a high school here in the area for the first time ever. Let that one sink in for a minute. Yep. Not that most teenagers aren't already hyper-exposed to far, far worse on an hourly basis, but still... makes you think.

It's been a while since I've posted and that's not for lack of things to update on. It's simply a factor of non-resolution or sheer lack of capacity to express, but I'm going to transcend both of these barriers and tell my story! How's that for a grandiose introduction?

So I got a phone call a few weeks ago from a music studio I applied to long before Karri and I moved out east. They had an opening and wanted me to come in and interview for a voice teaching position. I was thrilled, eager to get back into the arts and into working with students. The interview went great, and I got to sing again. It'd been a long time. Things were clicking right along, I was offered the job, and went in to sign a contract. Before I could sign, Leslie, the head of the studio, told me they valued longevity in their teachers and needed the contract to be for 18 months. I told her that Karri and I would be overseas starting in September. Deal breaker.

I'm disappointed to say the least. There's still an outside chance that I could teach up to September, sheerly because they liked me and they have an immediate need, but it's not looking good. I really like the studio, and Howie and Leslie (who interviewed me), and wish it would work out. And it's hard waiting, and it's hard letting go, and I wish I could say more than it's hard right now, but I can't. And that's why it's been difficult to write. Because there's still this thing inside of me that believes a story can't be told unless it has an ending, and a happy one at that. But life doesn't work that way, and God never promised us that.

So in the meantime, I'm still waiting tables, and my coworkers are becomming friends, and my friends are becomming more and more transparent with me. That's what I've always wanted, really, to be on a relational level with these folks that there wouldn't be any facades. But to be frank, some of the things I've been seeing and hearing since have been more and more disturbing. And I'm trying to be discreet to protect their privacy and the like, so it's going to be tough to express myself here, but being asked my opinions on issues such as where the line is between recreational and controlling cocaine use? I haven't had a lot of time to process how to respond to those kinds of conversations. So what does love look like there? And do I really believe that Jesus' blood is enough for an addict? And do I really believe in an empty tomb? I'm coming face to face with my faith in midst of reality. It's easy to sing songs and write sermons when you don't know a coke addict.

I'd love to finish this post up with something uplifting, but I'm really close to crying right now, and I think that's ok. So I'll save the uplifting stuff for next time.

Come, Lord Jesus.

Rapid Fire

It's Sunday. I just went into work for the lunch shift, got two tables and got cut. Slow. I just made $7. Yippee. So I figured I'd post a bunch of things I've learned while here in PA. A-heeeeeeeeeere we go!

- Tip your waiter. I know they gave you bad service. It isn't because they're incompetent. I promise. They might not look busy, but trust me. They are.
- Public transportation is amazing.
- Either there aren't any Christians in Philly, or no one prays before meals anymore.
- You need to read something by Donald Miller very soon.
- Mac is better than PC. Way better. Sorry.
- I know your child is getting on your nerves, but don't take it out on the waiter. Please?
- Oh, and refills. If you are with a lot of people, just be patient. It's not easy to get refills for a table of eight. There's a full restuarant and one place to get drinks, and every single server in the place is going there. Calm down and drink more slowly.
- Walt Whitman? Might have been a bit loony, but he saw the Jesus in every single person alive.
- The newspaper is my new favorite part of the day.
- Did I mention that Mac is better the PC?
- Hip-hop radio is great in small doses, but every time you go back into the dish room? If I hear "Crank That Soulja Boy" one more time, I might jam this fork into the speaker.
- Apparently nobody sleeps where I work. Every single person I talk to is hopped up on Red Bull and talking about how they were trashed last night and didn't get to bed until 8am.
- An espresso is not a coffee. Don't yell at me.
- A mudslide is not as froofy as you think. Don't yell at me.
- I'm sorry we don't have steak sauce. This is an Italian Restaurant.
- And don't yell at me.
- 3:10 To Yuma was great, and Russell Crowe is an amazing actor. I know that's not profound or anything, but there ya go.
- Philadelphia sports fans are crazy, and many times violent. I've been challenged to three fights by complete strangers until I swore my undying allegiance to the Phils.

That'll do for now. Maybe I'll do another of these in a week or two. Very... cleansing. I feel so fresh and so clean, clean.

Racism, Hope, and Barack Obama

I believe in all three.

Yesterday, I got into a discussion with a coworker friend of mine about politics. He's got very strong views, and as many of my friends and family know, I like to have heavy conversations. The conversation was couched in a week or so of conversations about race. My friend, Lee, is a black man, originally from Jamaica, but raised in Philly. We've been discussing Michael Vick, OJ, the Jena Six, and many other current events that have racial overtones, and Lee has been giving me lots of perspective on how he responds to these issues. Mostly, I've been listening, as I have little to no voice as one raised in majority culture to pass judgement on his views. And he's a pretty smart guy.

But yesterday, I asked the question, "Would your perspective change if Barack Obama were elected president?" Lee's response caught me off guard. He wouldn't even discuss the viability of Obama winning because, as he put it, "The country will never elect a black man." That led us into a discussion about racism, and Lee to state that it was one of those things that will just always be there. You can't change it, it's just the way it is. He called it realism. And I got mad. Not at racism, but at Lee.

And I started to think about why that made me so angry. I completely agree, which surprised Lee, that racism is still rampant in America, and that Obama's chances of getting the presidency are slimmer due to that fact. But what leapt to mind were the Christians who take Scriptures like "The poor you will have with you always," and use them to jettison responsibility to serve and intercede on behalf of the needy. "Poverty is just one of those things that will always be there. You can't change it." There is, in the words of Christ there, an acknowledgement of evil, but not an acceptance of it. And further, there is a bizarre invitation, if not a mandate, to wade into that evil and start fighting, despite what may seem to be overwhelming evidence that you're battle is a lost cause.

What Lee called realism struck me as defeatism. And I understand that I haven't been in that fight my whole life like Lee has. And I understand that I can't hold it against him for feeling the way he does. But I realized yesterday that there is something I have that would seem to be foolishness to those who are wise. Hope. I believe that Christ is resurrected. And I believe he is renewing all things. I believe the apostles lay hands and the sick are healed. I believe the church is a body that sees Christ in our differences of race and culture. And I can understand why, when I expressed that sentiment, (in much fewer words) Lee didn't understand, even thought me naive. Because what evidence does he have to believe otherwise? There will still be racism tomorrow when he wakes up. But what I fear for him is that his "realism" will keep him from letting a light shine in the darkness. "The poor you will have with you always." So you can stand around and complain, or you can roll up your sleeves and start bringing some resurrection.

All that to say, I'm voting for Barack Obama.

And you should too.

Just kidding.

And a Quick Poem

"To A Certain Cantatrice"

Here, take this gift!
I was reserving it for some hero, speaker, or General,
One who should serve the good old cause, the great Idea, the progress and freedom of the race;
Some brave confronter of despots - some daring rebel;
- But I see that what I was reserving, belongs to you just as much as any.

Walt Whitman, "Leaves of Grass"

Oh, and Since It's the 11th...

... a thought about forgiveness.

I remember being shook from sleep on 9/11/01 by Roger Chagnon. "Dude, two planes have crashed into the World Trade Center, and one into the Pentagon." We stayed in front of the TV for the rest of the day. Classes were cancelled, but we weren't going to them anyway. Prayer services were organized, but I wasn't ready for that. And then George W. Bush, the man who I stayed up late to root for just a year earlier, draped his arm around a firefighter and said "I hear you. The world hears you. And soon, the people who knocked these towers down will hear all of us." And my heart surged. Why? What did I really want? Prayer services? No. Community? I'd rather not. Justice? Absolutely. I want it in spades. And so did everyone else.

I wanted it to mean something. I wanted to know that someone was to blame and that that someone was going to be found. I remeber feeling that way and I remember feeling the way I feel now, but I don't remember when it changed. Afghanistan seemed like the right thing. Saddam was behind it? Bring it on. He's been due anyways. He's got weapons? Even more reason. I remember watching CSPAN for what might have been the first time ever to watch Colin Powell present to the UN his proof for WMDs in Iraq. I think I finally started to think differently when the reports came that the searches were coming up empty. No weapons? But that was... And then I started to think about what I first felt when the towers were hit. It was anger, with a bit of rage, and a taste for vengeance.

And now I think about a cross. I think about Christ crucified and suffering the most gross of injustices, and all the while, "Father forgive them." I think of Stephen speaking truth and suffering injustice, and his prayer, " Lord, do not hold this against them."

And I think, much of what we as a nation did in those days was motivated by a lack of forgiveness. Where was my voice when the towers were struck, "Father, don't hold this against them. I don't. Father, forgive them." What would the actions of the last six years have looked like if our first inclination would be to forgive rather than to look for someone to punish? Even moreso, what would it have looked like if we had considered the log in our own eyes? Not that what happened on that day was a speck, but perhaps a consideration of that terrible attack as a reaction rather an action would have been wise. Maybe we would have been more blessed if we had been meek and merciful.

But the nation's policies are something for us to debate over coffee sometime. This September 11th, though, I want to remember the lack of forgiveness I felt six years ago. I want to repent of the ways I have held others in unforgiveness, and be the first who, in the face of gross injustices, says, "Father, forgive." I want to root out the places in my soul that desire vengeance and trust a God who loves justice and just loves. I don't want to be that person again, the person I was on 9/11/01. I want to mourn, that I might be comforted. I want to be merciful, that I might be shown mercy. I want to be pure in heart, that I might see God.

One Month In and the Blisters to Prove It

It's been one month since we arrived here in the City of Fileo. There are moments where it seems like we just got here, but more often, it feels like a new normal of sorts. So we've found our new haunts, habits, and hopes. There's just so much worth doing here that it can be overwhelming. Lots of art, lots of music, lots of things to do and see. Now it's up to us to actually get out and experience it.

I've been working now for two weeks, one of training and one of serving at Bertucci's Brick-Oven Ristorante in Byrn Mawr, PA. It's an Italian restuarant with upscale pizzas and pasta dishes. I applied basically on a whim on the way to a different interview, and was basically hired on the spot. Kinda odd, but they needed people and I needed to start making income. So I'm now "Jim, and I'll be serving you tonight. What can I get you to drink? Water? Water? Water? Diet and Water? I'll be right back after I punch something." Fascinating how much you learn about a new field on the other side of the table. No offense to you water drinkers out there. I'm one of them, but it's a little frustrating when your income is based on how much your table spends. Just bear that in mind and be gentle, please.

So my feet hurt. But it's getting better. And I'm working alot, but it's ok. And the people I'm working with are showing me the things I felt God calling me to remember. Not everyone has a religious frame of reference. In fact, I'm probably the only person in the restaurant to whom religious things even matter. It's not even on their radar. I need to be reminded that I can't just pick up and talk about Dallas Willard or Erwin McManus to every person I meet. What these people want to talk about is how they're pregnant and don't get along with the baby's father, or how they decided to stop working in a crack house when they saw a couple bring in their four year old to pick up a stash, or how they're breaking up with their girlfriend because she's cheating again. And I don't think any of them own Purpose Driven Life. (Maybe 7 Steps to Your... nevermind.) So, as my dear friend Suze would say, I'm just trying to let the Jesus in me speak to the Jesus in them. I'm listening. I'm going out for smoke breaks just to sit on the curb. I'm walking back over to the strange man who came in to ask for an application (after I walked away once because he creeped me out), only to learn that he was shot in the head several years ago and is trying to get back on his feet. And to look at these people, and the world they inhabit, with no perception of the mysterious, and to know that God sees and loves them too, it's birthing things in me.

This month has awoken a lot of things in me, and I'm ready for this season of life. Ready for this job and the people I get to love, ready to keep writing music now that I've started, ready to pursue God, because my walk with Him isn't gift-wrapped. And I'm ready for that every-changing, ever-ambiguous what's next. And as Rich Mullins said, "I'll sing His song in the land of my sojourn."

Peace.

Orientation and Cheesesteaks

School is now upon me. We have had two full days of orientation and today (Wednesday) was the first day of class. Orientation was actually well worth it, as we were able to interact with all the other new graduate students in different programs and share our stories, backgrounds and passions, as well as meet and hear more from professors. It was good for me to hear the encouragement of the professors and their belief in us and God's leading in our lives, as well as to hear clear statements directed towards the very challenging year ahead of us. I've never read four books in a week, but they said that would be the average load, so learn to skim! It is nice to be around a diverse group of individuals passionate about the ideas of economic development. Conversation has continually ventured back to this topic without prompting as we share stories of what has inspired us.
The second day of orientation involved trips to all the campuses as well as lunch downtown in the famous "Italian Market," also known as the 9th street market where Philly cheesesteaks are at their best (I've been told). The gentleman in the photo was quite intimidating as we walked up to the window to give our order. If you were too slow you were berated for taking up precious time, causing some disillusioned students to jump out of line, figure out what they wanted, and then timidely try it again. While we were eating he came out of the caravan to role and smoke a cigarrette.
Turning out to be quite a character and finding we were studying economic development, he proceeded to lecture us on the evils of Britian, the way they exploit cocoa beans from western Africa, and how they are destroying the world (I believe he was Irish). We clapped after his rant and asked if we could book him as a speaker for our class, to which he replied very seriously - "I'm off work at 6." Then he disappeared back inside the caravan.

Just down the street is the infamous "Geno's Philly Cheesesteaks," which recently made national news for posting a sign that says you can't order there if you don't speak English. Needless to say we opted for the "more culturally friendly" establishment.
-My new friend Stephanie enjoys her cheesesteak while I devour my vegetarian french fries.-

Fresh From The Corner

There are some who, when they call Karri and I to catch up, will first think to ask about how the move went. The move went great. Running boxes up two flights of stairs made a fantastic lower body workout, followed by strapping our box spring, oversized loveseat, and full-size couch into tow lines and praying that our little balcony would prove sturdily built. At one point, the couch was perched on our 2-inch-wide railing, 20 percent over the balcony and 80 percent hanging over the street. Panicked, Karri’s mom and stepmom and myself summoned all the adrenaline we could and heaved it the rest of the way. I wish we had more pictures, but as I’m sure you can imagine, we were quite concerned about other matters.

There are some who, when they call Karri and I to catch up, will first think to ask about whether it feels like home yet. It’s never going to be Fort Wayne, but we’re very comfortable in our apartment. We’re meeting our neighbors, finding the essentials (the Blockbuster, the Target, the Coffee Roaster), and hanging things on the wall, which has a certain way of giving a space the feeling of permanence. We are starting to run out of things to do, though, and for want of a job for me, and the start of classes for Karri, and not much community and not much money, we’re getting a bit restless. We do think of home a lot, and love it when we hear from you. (Comment on the blog, by the way! I love to hear from you!)

There are some who, when they call Karri and I to catch up, will first think to ask how the job search is going. It’s been up and down. An early opening at Starbucks led to several days of not hearing anything. This prompted a good deal of worry, and a greater impetus to find something new. I’ve been sending resumes out quite frequently, to businesses, schools, and studios, but have yet to hear back. Then, just today, I spoke to the Starbucks manager again, and things seem to be all set but for the background check. (Here’s hoping they don’t count my record in Kentucky…) So I may be gainfully employed very soon. Please continue to pray.

There are some who, when they call Karri and I to catch up, will first think to ask all these things. But the men I’ve shared life with, the brothers who know me in my inner self, the real Jim, the profound and genuine Jim, always ask one thing. “Have you had your first real cheese steak yet? How was it?”

Spectacular.

"this is Karri from ... Philly"

I was on a conference call last week and realized if I had to introduce myself I would say "This is Karri DeSelm from... Philadelphia...." The surroundings are becoming much more familiar and yes, I've actually started driving (in the suburbs - but still an achievement for me!) but the idea that we are living in "philly" still doesn't quite seem real. I guess its the same odd feeling I got being in another country. I thought being somewhere "across the ocean" was supposed to feel dramatically different but somehow you just feel that you ARE where you ARE and distance is relative to how much you are missing what you have left. I am missing Fort Wayne - family, friends, conversations (thankfully Jim and I enjoy talking to each other.... a lot), familiarity driving, Old Crown... but the adventure is still fun here.

PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION: We have decided that in the beginning God created public transportation, and Adam's curse is what brought on suburban sprawl and the crazy desire to drive everwhere. Driving downtown is a nightmare (for Jim - I don't dare try yet) and the cost of parking is unthinkable in Fort Wayne terms, but we enjoy being in "center city." So Saturday we decided to try the trolley (no gas or pollution there!) which run frequently and close to our apartment. Our $1.30 a piece (one way) ride was less than 20 minutes, which is less time than it takes to drive through West Philly and into the city. To our suprise, half way into the ride the trolley rolls into a tunnel underground and then becomes part of the downtown subway system. So we spent the evening walking around, watching skateboarders and bikers doing tricks in Love Park until the bicycle police, who could have learned a few tips, broke up the fun. Then we took the trolley home, hopped off, and walked the two blocks apartment, using no gas in our whole trip!

OTHER GREAT MOMENTS: JIm's first Philly cheese steak, bought from the corner of our block.

CHURCH: We decided to choose one of the 5 different church communities that use the same building on the corner of our block this past Sunday. We were warmly greeted by almost every one of the 30 or so attendees that morning. It is young and diverse and we enjoyed the pastor. Afterwards there was "fellowship and food" in the back while the next church began their service in the sanctuary. We felt so welcome and everyone was happily surprised that we actually lived right there in the neighborhood, as only a few of them did. We are planning on going to their Wednesday night bible study, which meets in someone's home, and dinner is provided (yes!) to check it out more. We love the idea of attending a church that is there in our neighborhood and they seem to have a vision for investing in the local community.

I have two days of orientation at school next Monday and Tuesday and then class begins Wednesday! I've already started reading the one textbook I've purchased. (Yes, we are a little bored. We resorted to TV last night, a rare event for us.) For all those interested in the area that I am interested in, and of a political mind as well, I'm greatly enjoying and being challenged by Noam Chomsky's "Profit over People," a short but intense read about "neoliberalism and the global order."

Loving the adventure, trusting God, and missing the Fort,
Karri

New Apartment!

Well, we're here! After all the planning and packing, we are in Philadelphia and in a fantastic apartment. I'll update some thoughts soon, but here are some pictures of the new place.


Here's us on the first night! Got the keys and everything!


Our living room. Gotta find a good spot for the projector.


Our hallway. The apartment is really long and narrow. So much bigger than we expected.


Our view from our third floor balcony.


And our adventure in getting furniture into the third floor balcony. We brought up the box spring and both couches. Maybe we'll post that story later.

We love our new place! Thanks for praying! We'll write stories soon!

jim...

sometimes jim meditates to reduce stress... on top of large chess pieces.


this is his "counseling" face.... he's faking it for the camera.

One More Time To Kill The Pain...

Today, I'm packing up my fifth office in four years for the first time for the last time. A strange sensation, putting all the trappings of a previous reality into boxes and pulling them out a door I'm so used to coming into. It still doesn't quite feel like it's happening. It feels more like a chore. More like the thing to do. Karri's been amazing about packing up her trappings. She spent a whole afternoon sifting through old cassette tapes and cards, revisiting the memories and letting the feelings seep into her soul.
For some reason, and I don't think it's intentional, I'm having a difficult time opening up to the feelings behind this move. It feels like a move. Nothing more. And I'm fully aware of what I'm leaving, who I'm saying goodbye to, but I'm not grieving yet. Maybe it'll come later, once I've unpacked these trappings in a new place. Maybe it'll come when it stops feeling like a set of responsibilities and starts feeling like the new present. Maybe it'll just simmer for a while. Maybe it'll hit when we come back for the first time and realize that the people here have lived without us for a while. Or maybe I'm just not as nostalgic as I thought... nope.
So I'm packing up my fifth office. And my books are heavy. And I'm giving away my furniture that my grandma and I reupholstered together. It's tough going from a house to an apartment. And Mars needs some chairs. And I've got yogurt that I need to eat. Can't let good yogurt go to waste! And I'm thinking the coffee here was never that great, but always good enough. And I'm thinking that PowerPoint is a weird program. And I'm thinking that even before I worked here, I belonged here. And that's comforting. I don't need an office to be able to walk in the door, and I don't need to come to staff meeting for these people to be my family.
So I'm packing up my fifth office in four years for the first time for the last time. I don't know how I'm going to get these boxes into my car.